How Bad do you Want Jesus? Where are Your Passions?

Is this similar to your passion for Him?  Do you want Jesus this bad?

Have you been knocking and seeking with all your might and strength in desperation?Have you been reading His Word and crying in prayer desperate for His Love?  Do you wake up asking God this; “how can I be more like You today Jesus!!?”

There is hope.  The path is narrow, but there is hope.  Faith is an amazing gift of love and we should respond in continuing repentance and growing in love towards Christ and others (none of us has all of the good fruits perfectly and repentance goes at different rates for different people; but we should be growing at some rate!)

The church has been polluted by preaching according to what people want to hear. The path is narrow and there are sadly many people feeling secure who aren’t really on solid ground.

Always be willing to examine yourself for fruits.  Galatians gives us a great model:

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.  For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

2 Corinthians 13:5

“Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!”

How bad do you want Jesus Christ?  How desperate are you for Him?  What have you given up in your life for Him lately?

Dear God, A Love Letter

It’s been an amazing journey getting to know You.  I know that you knew me before I was even born.  In all my sin and rebellion against You that I would pursue for years in Your all knowing power, love, and grace You still for some reason I won’t ever fully understand on this earth, decided to still allow me to be born into this world.

At first you gave me that mustard seed of faith, and it kept me going.  You knew how much I could handle, and never put any obstacle in my path that I wouldn’t be able to cross in Your grace.  Little by little you revealed to me more about Your character and how powerful and almighty You are.  For years I feared Your judgement, knowing I deserved every bit of it.

Then you introduced me to Your Son, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, the King of the Old Testament that all prophesy and so much more pointed to in faith and hope for redemption and forgiveness.  Oh Lord how I have all rebelled against you.  I knew not to eat of the fruits of disobedience and did anyway in hopes of making myself greater, just as Lucifer and the other fallen angels did. In my sin I tried desperately to blame it on others and not take responsibility.  Though I was tempted, I pointed my faith away from you.  No amount of pages can I possibly write down all I have done against You.  It’s hard to look back at the sin, but I know I must at times to appreciate the love and grace that You have poured upon my very being and soul.

Even when lacking so much faith and having very bad sin addictions and habits, You still taught me.  You led me to an amazing church where I met some amazing people in the youth group that I still talk to and love with all my heart to this day.  Thank you so much for those people I’m thinking of right now, please bless them just as you have me, and the new brothers and sisters in Christ I am meeting and loving now.

You gave me a passion for reading and learning the history of the world, religions (false ones!), science, mathematics, physics, and the beauty and order of this world.  You gave me solid faith that there was a Creator from my studies.  I could see the markings and fingerprints of an Almighty Master Architect/Designer.  I see You in nature; the tree’s, the animals I’ve loved, the patterns of storms to the design of a seashell.   You put thorns in my flesh to keep me separated from the world in many ways, especially socially.  You worked so much sin to good in the end all to give You the glory You deserve.  How beautiful is Your masterpiece!  And how much sorrow that I trampled upon it and burned it to the ground.

I pleaded like Paul for years for You to take these thorns out of my flesh.  The social issues, the anxiety and depression, the hopelessness, the hours and days I spent alone with my mind going in hellish circles of despair.  Yet through it all You had a plan.  You didn’t enjoy watching me suffer.  You knew in the end the joy would overshadow all of it.  I still go through trials and temptations Lord but I know that they will make me stronger in my faith and courage to profess the Gospel.  Oh how sweet is Your gift to the world!  The infinite love and generosity you have given me in spite of spitting upon Your master creation!  I’m so sorry I did that Lord!  You know in my heart I really am sorry I didn’t trust you!  You showed me my sin and I cut myself over and over hating my flesh.  I wanted to die.  I couldn’t live with myself.  I had to escape.  So again I didn’t trust you and I went to worldly things like alcohol to escape the horror of knowing what I did to You after You have done so much for me!  You are Holy Lord, how can I even be in Your sight!!  I shake and tears come to my eyes as I write this Lord.  How much easier it would have been if I had only surrender to you earlier.  But again, in my sin you watched over me, the Great Shepherd protecting a sheep with broken legs that most would toss aside.

Through all that I was bruised but not broken.  With amazing grace you put me back together and restored my body, soul, and spirit.  You gave me the faith and wisdom to stand up!  Here I stand!  Oh how I wish to proclaim to the entire world what love and grace You have poured upon me; my cup overflows with more than I could ever dream of.  You gave me a spirit of repentance and wisdom so that my mind began to be renewed and I saw things from a higher point of view on that mountain.  And how I will storm that mountain in Your Holy Name!!!  Satan is under my feet as YOU have given me the power and authority to defeat his attacks against me and my brothers.  The great battle that’s been going on for thousands of years; I’m now in the middle of and to most it seems humorous for a poor sheep like I am to be fighting against the mightiest of foe’s who hate You and all of Your creation.  Here I stand with a steady hand against the terror upon me.

I look back in Your Word and see people like David, trusting in You with no doubt, standing against the mightiest of men and conquering.  So will I with Your strength, ride on Your wings of power and might, smashing evil under Your feet.  Who can be against on who is under the King of Kings!!!  The war isn’t over but it does seem to be coming to a close.  Your original masterpiece that was torn, is now even more beautiful than before.  Your love, grace, power, might, and so much more are shown in You sending Your only Son to die for me!!  I am a creation of you that turned against You.  It’s the greatest mystery why You would send Your Son Jesus Christ, Your most prized Love that now sits on the right side of You, to be humbled and even enter this torn creation, and to suffer!  Jesus You suffered so much for me, a broken and rebellious sheep that would continue to sin even after saving me from eternal damnation!  How Amazing is my God!!!

The precious blood of the Son of God, nailed up and mocked by me and my brothers in sin.  How did it come to this.  I look back to the beginning in the garden.  I had everything God.  You gave me everything and only asked me not to do one thing.  I am so ashamed now just like I was when I covered myself with leaves after what I did against you.  Now Jesus who is perfect with no sin, is nailed on a wooden cross.  This is so horrendous and it’s my fault Lord.  Please let me take His place!  I let this happen, it’s my fault!!  I see there is nothing I can do.  But again, you worked the sin of man and the death of Christ to a greater good that will point to Your glory for all eternity.

How mysterious are Your ways Lord, forgive me for trying to understand You.  No amount of time or study could ever give me a true glimpse in Your holiness and wisdom.  Forgive me for all of the years of pride thinking I could figure out You and Your creation and even manipulate it towards my good.  I stored up things of this world that I now know will fade away and aren’t eternal, throwing away the true gems from You that are eternal.  There isn’t enough room in Your entire creation to write of all of Your wonders.  Forgive me for attempting that Lord, but my soul cries out with so many emotions as I look at what has, is, and will happen in this great story You have written.  How foolish I am to write inside of the Great Writer’s story!  Humble me Lord, my pride keeps biting at me.  Give me the grace to focus on You and to give you glory in all that I do!

I pause in this moment as I write.  I sense your peace and joy.  All of the pain had to happen to contrast your love and grace.  You are so Holy that You put Yourself inside of Your fallen creation just to save it!  What author in this world would die to save the characters in it’s story!!  I can’t understand it Lord!  Why did you save me?  I’m not even a grain of sand in this creation.  You gave me a soul.  You came down and saved me and gave me a family of other fallen creations to stand in awe of what You have done for us.  Let the entire creation praise you with all the energy we have that You have given us!!!  Thy will be done!!  HOLY, HOLY, HOLY, is the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY, WHO WAS, AND IS, AND IS TO COME!!!!!!

I love you Lord.  And I can only say that because you gave me the gift to do so.  I just wanted to write this to You, my love letter to you.  Never let me forget.  Never let me stray away from Your path.  For Your glory please continue to stand by me and allow me to work for you in this story 🙂  I turn my eyes away from everything I used to desire Lord.  Take it all away.  If there is no wife for me that means I get more of You while I’m here.  I’ll leave that one up to You!  Either way I’m happy and overly content with joy knowing You love me, and that I love you.  Nothing can separate us.  The devil’s snares would have snatched me; the prowling lion waiting to pounce on me has been crushed.  And it’s all because you love me.  This story isn’t about how much I love you as I intended, but it’s all about how much You love me.  And I can not understand it, but I accept it and give all of myself to you Lord.  Every task you give me I treasure in delight.  How silly were those “rewards” I sought after to try and please men!!  How foolish I was Lord.  How I could sing of Your love for all eternity.  Let me do Your work while this story is still going.  Until the very end I now commit myself to You fully.  I serve only One Master and He is the Creator of ALL!!!  I’m an adopted son of the King of Kings!!!

Now I put my armor on You have provided me, and now I stand up for you and storm the mount!!  How great You are Lord!  This great battle I step into is so ferocious, but I already know the outcome!  Thank you for creating me and blessing me even after what I did against you!  Unite me with my brothers and sisters in Christ as we fight to the death for You in this temporal existence, knowing our treasure and King awaits us in Heaven.  Give us the power and might to fight for holy treasure to lay upon the feet of Jesus as we enter into eternity!  Open up the eyes of my heart Lord!  May the name of Christ be lifted up as we sing HOLY, HOLY, HOLY!!!  Give us the child-like trust and faith in THE LOVING FATHER of ALL CREATION!!!  Let us sing along with the millions of angels now praising Your HOLY NAME!!!  Am I crazy?  Maybe…  But I’m crazy in LOVE!!!

Deep breath….here we go Jesus, I’m following Your lead!!!

(ps: and special thanks to my family and friends who have stood by me through all of this and continue to bless me with their love and support!  I pray that you all receive all of the blessings God has bestowed upon me and even more!!!)

Autism at 30

Fade Away

Colors they all fade away, life I feel I cannot stay

Life expected nowhere near, death and darkness now I fear

 

Time I see is breaking down, smiling faces turn to frown

Traded jewels for broken dreams, left with nothing so it seems.

 

Realizing so much pain,  structures falling all in vain.

What do now but all complain? Just be silent, give no blame.

Maybe one day things will change, away from what is now so strange

What to do when hurt and burned, do much damage not deserved

Forgiveness how can I receive, after all I have deceived

Crushed His name all in the dirt, fallen soldier broken worth

 

Here’s my soul for you to see, black and blue full of disease

Take me now where will I go, hurry before winter’s snow

Here’s the darkness now I see, coming down right after me

Hold my shield of faith and pray, may I see my Lord one day.

More about Me…

All my childhood I was very shy.  Well, I still am today.  I remember when I first got to high school that once I got my first car at 16 things would be different.  Maybe then people would like me and I would have the confidence to communicate with my peers and make friends.  At 16 I did get a car and I did get “friends,” but they were bought at a price, and most knew they could use me for rides and other things.  These people ended up not being the good types of people that I knew in my neighborhood growing up.  Hit like a hurricane I was surrounded by drugs and violence.  And I convinced myself that these were my friends, and I needed to be like them for them to accept me up until age 15 I had never even seen any type of drug other than alcohol.  I grew up with a foundation of good morals and I was against drugs and those who used them.  I was so lonely I felt I had to sacrifice my innocence just to get a taste of the forbidden fruit and to have a sense of belonging as fake as it was.  

I was tired of being bullied my whole life.  Why did everyone hate me? About 8-9 misdemeanors later by my early 20’s, I realized the bad investment I made for my life.  I have committed crimes against many people and society itself.  So many things I get flashbacks of the things I did in my drunkenness and the learned willingness to steal and lie to feed the disgusting “lifestyle.”I managed to graduate college with honors and managed to get away from all those past associates.  About 4 years later I still noticed I had that shy feeling that made me want to hide from all mankind.  For some reason I was terrified because socially I felt like a young teenager in a young adults body.  I had to keep mimicking social behavior.  I couldn’t allow people to know I was crazy and lock me up.  I knew people fear what they don’t understand so I tried to still fit in.  And sadly alcohol was the only thing that allowed me to be able to function at all in public.  My 20’s were a train wreck, no need to go into details.  I tried being sober but I couldn’t even go to church without having a few beers in me (and often having a cup of wine during the service).  I hated myself.  I still do.  I felt as though I had 2 choices: don’t go to church and face the social adversity, or desecrate God’s church by drinking to be able to go and put on a fake smile and shake hands and all other things that had no meaning to me and were awkward.  Why am I so terrified of people?  Why do they seem so distant and foreign?  It’s like everyone got the book and class on social behavior but me.  I must be on the wrong planet.

I knew I was manic depressive (bi-polar) by my late 20’s but it wasn’t until almost my 30th birthday that I found out I was on the autism spectrum.  30 years of misunderstood problems now realized.  I was and am still now horrified, saddened, shocked, and slightly relieved at least that now I know why I have always felt like a monster.  Now I know why I am this way.  But what to do now?  I can’t work, I don’t have any friends, I live alone, I can’t force myself to go to church, I probably will always be alone and never have a wife or kids, and for hours each day I have horrifying flashbacks of bad things I did in the past I did in desperation to hide what I did not understand.

But as I think about it, I’m a lot better off than so many people, and also worse off than many people.  So who even complain where God has placed me.  I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.  All I have to work with is broken dreams that have faded away in darkness and despair.  I can’t forgive myself.  I feel sad for my lonely and broken state, but I mourn for all the people I have hurt on my path of destruction.  How can I ever fix or repair the things I have done?  How can I ever lift my head up and have any confidence or pride? How can I even go to God and expect forgiveness after I have offended Him so many times when I knew better?

Do I blame it all on being bi-polar and being autistic?  Does that take any of the sting off of the horror?  I refuse to place my sins all on those disorders or traits.  I hurt people sometimes and don’t even realize it until later.  So what do I do?  I’ve hated myself so much in the past I have cut and burned my body to punish myself.  Why can’t I go back to that innocence and morality I had at age 15?

I sit in this apartment and slowly die, looking forward to 30 more years of mourning in horror and sorrow of all the pain I have caused to others, and the disgrace I have been as a child of God.

Matthew 13: 3-9 “And he told them many things in parables, saying: “A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them. Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they did not have much soil, and immediately they sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, but when the sun rose they were scorched. And since they had no root,they withered away. Other seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. He who has ears, let him hear.””

Still a speck of hope.  Still a mustard seed of faith.  Here I am God, do with me as you please.  I’m alone waiting and trusting in You.  I have many sins I know Christ’s blood can cover.  I don’t deserve forgiveness.  I even feel like rejecting it in my shame.  The horror and despair I face now constantly being reminded of my past is so intense, I don’t know how much longer I can stand.

(It’s been a few months since I originally wrote all this.  I’m actually doing a lot better and am about to join a great church I’ve been visiting each Sunday!  Thank you all for your love, help, and support!)

Holding On – Reality Meets Entropy

I am no good for anyone.  I only cause pain for others, and only focus on my own.  It’s best for me to be alone permanently and only look from a distance and hope God blesses others and protects them from evil people like me.  I have no purpose, no plan, no options.  With my scientific mind I have a hard time with faith and the older I get the dimmer it gets, and the world that used to be amazing and filled with color and light is now faded to grey.  I don’t want to be here anymore.  I fear death and life equally which has stopped me from moving at all.  I am lukewarm and entropy is taking it’s toll on all of us.  All we can do is look at the young and see that sparkle and wonder that we used to have.  We know how things go but we don’t want to ruin it for them.  Let them be happy and joyful in their imagination with endless possibilities, giving us a short reminder of how we thought life would turn out to be.  Santa, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny; all fade quickly then there is nothing left but Christ and a world of despair.

Past childhood everyone goes into a downhill slide of misery.  Reality starts to tremble as we realize we have been tricked in our perception.  We hold onto objects and purpose for dear life to feel alive and to try and postpone the inevitable.  We all grow up thinking we will live forever.  Most elderly people still think something will happen to keep them going.  Because our minds are trained to wake up and go to sleep and after years of that we think it will never end.  It’s like training a dog.  Our perception is false and time and age slowly drop down the veil of the utter chaos, evil, and dread that the fall has created for us, and the realization of the deep evils inside of us that will never be gone until glorification.  We all chose sin and now we live in temporary hell.
I don’t want to spoil life for anyone.  But once the veil falls you can never get back up again  We can’t save ourselves in any way.  We must stop looking for answers and be silent, trusting no other human beings for deep revelation.  Only God’s domain is true reality.  All of this is hell with sprinkles on top and as we eat our way down we realize what we have bitten into, what we have entered into.  We all have been tricked.  We live in the first hell which is bound by time.  And Satan is the king of this world.  How can we have any happiness in this world if we understand how horrid it really is, how disgusting our minds and mouths are.  How can we pray with the same tongue that curses others in so many ways, most of which we don’t even realize.
Light just doesn’t spark back up once it’s put out.  We wait in silence for the Creator, we have failed and can only hope that His Kingdom will one day be our home.  That hope is all we will ever have for permanent purpose and understanding, joy and peace.  But right now we are for sure in a bad place and must understand this is not our home.  How can we enjoy anything that isn’t a blessing from God?  How can we be entertained by sports, violence, hobbies to take our minds off reality.  We wake up and know we must do anything to survive, hoard everything we can as backup if something goes wrong.  We are sliding down a wet rope and throughout life we have moments where we can hold on tight for a little while and pretend just like we did as children.
God have mercy on us all.

Resources for Adults and Parents of Children with Aspergers and Autism

Wrong Planet – Online community and resource for those with Asperger’s Syndrome. – A great forum
Facebook Groups: 
Aspergers Syndrome New Zealand (Great group of people here, doesn’t matter where you come from you are welcome!) –
(Sorry for the poor editing, it was a mess transferring all of this from Blogger)