Drunken College Grad With Honors Terrorizes Neighbors in Underwear

Another great story for the grandkids..

Carpe diem – “Seize the Day”

And seize the day I did, drunk and in my underwear the night of my college graduation.  It was a nice sunny day and I had my robe on and listened to the guest speaker (Chuck Norris) at the graduation ceremony, having such relief that so many years of sitting in boring classes that seemed pointless was finally over!

It turns out I sleepwalk when drunk, or at least drunk on a certain type of wine.  After I got home I drank a bottle of wine (forgot the brand or type….and basically everything else until I woke up the next morning with a hangover in jail), then I went to sleep in my boxers, the way I normally go to sleep.  Then in my drunken amnesia, a scene straight out of “The Hangover” began to take place…

Ok so then I wake up in jail and I have paperwork in my little tub with a tiny bar of soap, a toothbrush (brand name “Bob Barker”….).  So with no explanation of why I am in jail, I decide to read these orange papers in front of me.  “Attempted First Degree Burglary – Felony”, and there was 2 of these.  I was shocked!  Well the next day they shackled me up, hands and feet and I went out of the jail, camera’s from the local/state news following me to transport in a van to go to court.  I find out I am facing 16 years in prison!  And I don’t remember anything!

My bond was set at $16k but my lawyer got it lowered to where I could get bonded out.  Then I get home and find out I was the highlight of the state news channel in North Carolina and South Carolina.  I went to the internet to see what it said.  “Drunken Grad Terrorizes Neighborhood Wearing Only Boxers.”  Apparently after going to sleep I woke up and wandered the neighborhood and got to a house and thought it was my own house but strangely there was a man inside, with a shotgun pointed at me.  So logically I go to pick up a lawn chair and throw it through the sliding glass door to try and scare this intruder out of my house.  That didn’t work and the police “followed my trail” whatever that means and found me near my house and took me to jail.

They realized eventually I wasn’t a burglar so I pleaded down to a misdemeanor and they determined I actually did think it was my own house and ironically I thought that man was breaking and entering into my house when it was me who was at least “breaking” (but not entering).

So it was on the 6pm and 10pm news in two states.  Then came the Facebook comments from the people at my University flaming me badly for giving the school a bad name.  What could I say?  I don’t know.  This is one of the reasons I stopped drinking.  I haven’t slept walked since.  If you google, you can find the original story.  You would probably need my name.  I might try to find it and post it.  It’s pretty hilarious actually.  They said I was in my boxers and they were all torn up and bloody.  I jumped a fence apparently when the cops were chasing me through the woods and got all cut up and broke my toe.  And the neighbor with the shotgun said he almost shot me as I started to walk in the doorway I had just broken, but there must have been a speck of sense/fear of getting shot so I did run away thank goodness.

So I did some community service, a few days in jail, and paid a lot of money to the court system and to the people I “terrorized.” to replace the things I damaged.  They also said I tried to open a few other neighbors doors and I pushed over someone’s BBQ grill and damaged it.

Kids, don’t drink and sleep.

This is my life, I have no secrets.  Laugh at my pain!!

(want to see the link?  here ya go )


And I do want to thank and praise Jesus Christ for saving me from my many sins, including these.  I really am a new creation in Him and while I do find humor in these things, I do want to share the amazing transformation Christ has done in my life.  I now have the blood of Christ that has washed away my sins and I have faith I am forgiven and a child of God and will praise Him for all eternity in Heaven!  I’m still not perfect, but He’s still working on me!


Don’t Eat Subway and Drive: The Joys of Having a Breathylizer

Before I realized why I was insane I used to drink alcohol throughout each day just to be able to be around people and go to school (yes, I actually graduated college with a 3.7GPA, and even more surprising I’m still living).  At first the alcohol seemed to be a good logical choice; it allowed me to be around people, avoid stress, and escape my insanity and pretend to be like all of you.  Well this started to wear off somewhere in my early 20’s. I needed more alcohol and since I drank all day, this caused problems when I drove.  I am not proud of my drinking and driving in the past, nor am I of the 2 underage DWI’s and the 2 regular ones.  I’ve since quit drinking, went 4 years without a license (from the last one, 7 total), but in the past 1.5 years I’ve had the joy of having a breathalyzer installed in my car issued by the DMV and serviced by the wonderful people at Monitech.

Boy are these fun!  Now just let me complain, I did my time going without the license and paid many thousands of dollars in court fines/lawyer fees, and 100’s of hours of community service.  It’s amazing to realize how much alcohol surrounds our environment and even in our bodies naturally.  This thing has failed me from smoking a berry flavored cigar, a 6-inch Subway sandwich (from the oil/vinegar), and even an energy drink (I’m guessing something like the taurine set it off).  So now I’m living in constant fear of driving even though I’ve been sober a long time.  And I know, I sewed these seeds and I’m reaping this fear and annoyance but wow is this a screwed up system.  And the fees are ridiculous  $60 a month just to “rent” it for 3 years, $35-$50 for “maintenece or recall if the device starts acting up/showing alcohol readings when it shouldn’t”, and the best one – a $1550 fee if your unit breaks and cannot be repaired or if it gets stolen.  Oh but you can buy monthly insurance for that for around $25-$50 a month.  And the device will drain your car battery dead in 2 days, so you have to buy a charger and hook it up to your battery every time you get home and park (see attached image to see what happens when you forget to fully close your hood while forgetting to unplug the charger).  And it sucks in the winter because it takes about 3-5 minutes for it to warm up to be able to use.

So now I will have to go to a hearing for them to determine if I will be able to keep my license after viewing the data that claims I consumed alcohol while trying to start my car up.

Here is the sequence of events that is risking me to get my license revoked and to start this 3 year Breathylizer process again:

0:00 – Start up the car, passed with a .0000

0:30 – After going in the gas station and trying to start my car up again, it registers over a .08, above the legal limit!

1:05 – After the thing locks my ignition from starting up and waiting the 30 minute lockout time, I blow a .0000 and pass, then go home, then 20 minutes later, start the car up again and blow a .0000 and go to my parents house to eat dinner.

So according to the Breathalyzer I was fully sober before going to the gas station, then I drank 3-4 beers at the gas station and blew over a .08, then magically after the 30 minute lockout I became .0000 fully sober.  And it appears the DMV believes that over the fact that Breathalyzer’s are very unreliable and so many things can cause it to go off (not rinsing your mouth before you blow since food particles can ferment in your mouth, vinegar, bread/yeast, tobacco smoke, and any forms of fruit and fruit flavored products like a berry flavored cigar).  And in the manual it says, it’s your own responsibility to find out what foods and drinks can possibly cause a failure on the test.  The problem is it’s virtually endless.  The only way to be sure you won’t fail is to not drink, eat, or smoke anything for an hour before you drive (and this is all non-alcoholic I’m talking about).

So just remember kids, don’t eat Subway and drive.

Having your hood fly up and be stuck to the windshield, having glass shatter in your face while going 45mph crossing a bridge is not fun at the time, but hilarious a few days after.

Having your hood fly up and be stuck to the windshield, having glass shatter in your face while going 45mph crossing a bridge is not fun at the time, but hilarious a few days after.

Yes, this actually happened!

Yes, this actually happened!


Oh, and here’s more ranting I did after getting my first fail, discussing how the DMV had Monitech change the settings on them that make them mess up so often –

New Unfair Laws for Monitech’s Breathalyzer Enforced by the DMV

Laugh at my pain!

No sorry, this isn’t Kevin Hart (please don’t sue me!…actually go ahead, I’m on disability so you would technically be suing yourself!).  Plus over 1.1 million people already laughed at his pain including myself so hopefully I can entertain a few people through mine.  I figure out of a few hundred jokes I tell about my sad and strange life experiences a few decent gems appear and since I’m broke what better place to try and gather those gems on WordPress!  There’s no alcohol served on the internet so I’m already at a disadvantage.  Plus I’m a Christian so I try my best to leave the obscene stuff out.  Ha, a Christian comedian!   At least I won’t have any competition.  Plus I have a wonderful “mom filter” to help me stay within boundaries.

So myself, am not very interesting but I do seem to find humor in this train wreck we call “society” and the game of life.  Stay tuned and check out my jokes during Comedy Central commercials.