Research Chemicals; the Adventures of a Psychonaut

There are many things in life we seem to want to keep secret because of shame (or possible fine lines of legality!).  But there is also a time when you start to get past the action of those events and talking about them can be helpful and sometimes make for some good stories.  I’ve began to talk more about my experiences with chemicals with others and for some reason the shame has began to go away and I am left with a lot of interesting stories.  It’s very hard not to think about these things often as they had such an impact on my life and how I view the Universe and my own existence.  I know I’m walking a grey line here, as I was in all my “testing” and “research,” but I’m at the point I really don’t care what people think about me as I believe God has already justified me so as long as He see’s me that way I’m good; plus I don’t think I’ll ever be running for Congress!

Growing up I was different socially.  Three years ago I learned this was from having Aspergers.  So I lived for 30 years in a social environment without knowing the social language.  I had many embarrassing attempts to conform, but ended up at square one every time.  To escape emotional pain and ease social anxieties, I first experimented with alcohol and cannabis.  They both did such a great job, as opposed to everything I had been told; I just didn’t account for the “yang” of their “yin” until I was so deeply ingrained in both I had no way out.  So having only these to work with I ended up having embarrassing police charges (very hard to get a job after you break your neighbors sliding glass door in your underwear in a drunken rage on graduation night from University ;P ).  The DWI’s are the things I’m most shameful of because I did put people at risk, just as I have texting and driving which I’m forcing myself not to do because I know how the pride of control comes before disaster in so many lives.

Ok so that sets up the scene for other chemical avenue’s.  I won’t use the term “drug” as it’s been painted with a brush too wide from our socially acceptable pharmacies to ones like crack cocaine and meth.  But there are countless other synthetic chemicals that have been invented, and are currently being invented in labs all around the World as I write this; these are “research chemicals.”  Most of the community only see’s the top layer of the onion; a news story when something goes wrong.  Like an instance where a teen gets some “bath salts” (a horrible name for people like I was; these chemicals in our small community were the ones we hated, that gave a bad name to the beneficial ones).  And they were very addictive and had the ability to cause psychosis and death.  And it is this fear from few cases I believe that closes the door on many amazing chemicals that I have personally experienced to be much better than what the US Pharmaceutical industry has been offering us the past 50+ years.  News stories pounce on isolated cases to continue the fear that keeps these huge organizations running, that if they stopped running; millions of jobs would be lost and the economy crippled.  So to keep things going smoothly, we must suffer in fear and lose out on the benefits modern scientific research and the best medicines of Nature has to offer.

This is just a small blog and I’m writing this off the cuff just to get it “on paper” so I won’t go into each chemical; I’m a bit hesitant to do so.  There are HUGE risks in experimenting with unregulated chemicals.  While you can do your homework with labs, other’s experiences, and some decent scales; you can have a sense of safety just enough to dive in; but going this route on your own can be disastrous.  I know people doing 20 years in prison for importing large amounts of certain chemicals while the chemicals weren’t even illegal, but Homeland Security wanted to make an example of them with the “Analogue Law”.

I never sold any of these things as first off I’ve never been a good salesman, and second I couldn’t bring myself to distributing any of these chemicals knowing there were people not using precautions before using them and experimenting with their friends; this is how people die, and have died.  Measure a dose without doing an “allergy test”, you end up dead.  A vendor writing the wrong chemical name on a package and you don’t check it; you die.  This is why there have been great communities that do “harm reduction” that haven’t been attacked as much as the underground networks that vend the chemicals.  But still, I wouldn’t even write about those sites because I would NEVER recommend anyone experimenting with anything I ever have except a minute few under medical supervision which isn’t available right now.  Your best bet is to just hope your state legalizes cannabis if it already hasn’t and be content with that!

It’s tough to talk about for various reasons.  One, no one understands unless they have been there, two – I’ve seen things I can’t explain and is frustrating to try and will only sound crazy, and three – I really miss the adventure of taking a ride with new substance after substance; going through new door after door of the mind into uncharted Spiritual zones.  Also I’m not sure how much fuel my brain has left to go on these as some can be very rugged and unwanted.

That’s about all I want to talk about right now.  I’m on the tail end of this thing and not sure where it’s all going to fully stop or if it already has (I don’t take any legal chances as I did, walking on the “grey line” but once you gain knowledge in these area’s there are always legal ways to “travel”!).  So it’s sad to talk about it as if it’s all over.  I have personally tested over 100 chemicals, natural and synthetic.  Excuse my pride but I was the first human even to try a few of them straight out of the lab from sheets of paper like an idiot, skipping the rats and getting right to it!

I’ve seen reality in ways most will never see it and I imagine there will always be a desire to go back to “that place” where things make a lot more sense than they do down here.  And I’m not sure why God saw it fit to put me on the path I’ve been on and what I’m supposed to do with it.  But the shame of doing things society deemed “wrong” to try and fix logical problems has left me.  And now I have a lot of cool stories.  Hopefully God will bless me with people to tell them too one day 🙂

There are tremendous medical benefits to so many of these chemicals but I realize I’m in no position to fund or promote higher research of them.  I can only know my way around it all pretty well, and know which ones do have potential and which ones mainly only do lead to addiction.  There are blurred lines all over the place and you must learn to know yourself very well and be willing to have your ego demolished!  I do hope as society sees that cannabis isn’t something to be afraid of many other chemicals will get their chance to help mankind.

And where is the line drawn with Biblical “sorcery”?  I’m still working on that.  I don’t think it’s so much about the chemicals, but how you use them.  There is very real evil and I have seen it more so on certain chemicals than others, and MUCH more research needs to be done in a professional setting.  I can think of times I abused a chemical and had bad results, and other times really attempting to solve a problem for good and it working out.  The possibilities are so exciting and I can’t wait for society to start to accept this field.

That’s all for now 😛

(for a much more interesting read, check out this – http://www.vice.com/read/interview-with-ketamine-chemist-704-v18n2

And a great little video on the man who synthesized many of these chemicals, Alexandar Shulgin – 

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Operation SAVE OUR CHILDREN!!!

Facebook Page: Operation Save Our Children

James 1:27 -“ Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.”

First of all, I am in LOVE with Jesus Christ.  He is all I live for; and what I have been praying for is a burden for the lost and suffering, and He has answered my prayers.

I joke a lot, and I have written stories from my past in humor before I was a Christian and my struggles (many I still struggle with).  But just look at whats going on in the World.  Children are being forced to do horrible things.  Women are being tricked into job opportunities just to be forced into prostitution slavery (which about 10% of their business is from Americans, that figure is in Thailand I believe).  And I know in Peru “street boys” do horrible sex acts daily for bowls of soup.

I am so ashamed at myself for complaining about my tiny “problems” sitting in an air conditioned house with 3 square meals, internet access, and cable tv.  Yea I might not have many friends, but just LOOK AT THE CHILDREN WHO ARE BEING FORCED INTO SEX-TRAFFICKING!!!

I’m losing it right now.  All of my thoughts and emotions are on the Facebook page I made yesterday.  Please look it over and pray about donating even $5 paypal to help.  Most of us can think back and regret purchases like a pair of pants or other things, but I promise you that you will NEVER regret giving to causes like this.

You have the power to buy these children out of this.  With $20 you can feed a family.  With $35 you can feed a family and provide medical care and education.  And once these people are saved, you can help them be provided with the most important thing – THE GOSPEL of JESUS CHRIST!!  They have no hope right now.  We have the power to save them and give them hope and a life.

I BEG YOU.  I BEG YOU.  They don’t have a voice.  We have to do something.

Check out the CAFO (Christian Alliance For Orphans)

My First YouTube Video (A Christian with Aspergers)

I switched the video to a new channel “The Christian Aspie” to talk about life with Aspergers following Jesus Christ….and yes, it’s very difficult, but amazing at the same time.

Just look at how I started to change once I REALLY began to understand the Gospel!

The Christian Aspie

Drunken College Grad With Honors Terrorizes Neighbors in Underwear

Another great story for the grandkids..

Carpe diem – “Seize the Day”

And seize the day I did, drunk and in my underwear the night of my college graduation.  It was a nice sunny day and I had my robe on and listened to the guest speaker (Chuck Norris) at the graduation ceremony, having such relief that so many years of sitting in boring classes that seemed pointless was finally over!

It turns out I sleepwalk when drunk, or at least drunk on a certain type of wine.  After I got home I drank a bottle of wine (forgot the brand or type….and basically everything else until I woke up the next morning with a hangover in jail), then I went to sleep in my boxers, the way I normally go to sleep.  Then in my drunken amnesia, a scene straight out of “The Hangover” began to take place…

Ok so then I wake up in jail and I have paperwork in my little tub with a tiny bar of soap, a toothbrush (brand name “Bob Barker”….).  So with no explanation of why I am in jail, I decide to read these orange papers in front of me.  “Attempted First Degree Burglary – Felony”, and there was 2 of these.  I was shocked!  Well the next day they shackled me up, hands and feet and I went out of the jail, camera’s from the local/state news following me to transport in a van to go to court.  I find out I am facing 16 years in prison!  And I don’t remember anything!

My bond was set at $16k but my lawyer got it lowered to where I could get bonded out.  Then I get home and find out I was the highlight of the state news channel in North Carolina and South Carolina.  I went to the internet to see what it said.  “Drunken Grad Terrorizes Neighborhood Wearing Only Boxers.”  Apparently after going to sleep I woke up and wandered the neighborhood and got to a house and thought it was my own house but strangely there was a man inside, with a shotgun pointed at me.  So logically I go to pick up a lawn chair and throw it through the sliding glass door to try and scare this intruder out of my house.  That didn’t work and the police “followed my trail” whatever that means and found me near my house and took me to jail.

They realized eventually I wasn’t a burglar so I pleaded down to a misdemeanor and they determined I actually did think it was my own house and ironically I thought that man was breaking and entering into my house when it was me who was at least “breaking” (but not entering).

So it was on the 6pm and 10pm news in two states.  Then came the Facebook comments from the people at my University flaming me badly for giving the school a bad name.  What could I say?  I don’t know.  This is one of the reasons I stopped drinking.  I haven’t slept walked since.  If you google, you can find the original story.  You would probably need my name.  I might try to find it and post it.  It’s pretty hilarious actually.  They said I was in my boxers and they were all torn up and bloody.  I jumped a fence apparently when the cops were chasing me through the woods and got all cut up and broke my toe.  And the neighbor with the shotgun said he almost shot me as I started to walk in the doorway I had just broken, but there must have been a speck of sense/fear of getting shot so I did run away thank goodness.

So I did some community service, a few days in jail, and paid a lot of money to the court system and to the people I “terrorized.” to replace the things I damaged.  They also said I tried to open a few other neighbors doors and I pushed over someone’s BBQ grill and damaged it.

Kids, don’t drink and sleep.

This is my life, I have no secrets.  Laugh at my pain!!

(want to see the link?  here ya go )

 

And I do want to thank and praise Jesus Christ for saving me from my many sins, including these.  I really am a new creation in Him and while I do find humor in these things, I do want to share the amazing transformation Christ has done in my life.  I now have the blood of Christ that has washed away my sins and I have faith I am forgiven and a child of God and will praise Him for all eternity in Heaven!  I’m still not perfect, but He’s still working on me!

Autism at 30

Fade Away

Colors they all fade away, life I feel I cannot stay

Life expected nowhere near, death and darkness now I fear

 

Time I see is breaking down, smiling faces turn to frown

Traded jewels for broken dreams, left with nothing so it seems.

 

Realizing so much pain,  structures falling all in vain.

What do now but all complain? Just be silent, give no blame.

Maybe one day things will change, away from what is now so strange

What to do when hurt and burned, do much damage not deserved

Forgiveness how can I receive, after all I have deceived

Crushed His name all in the dirt, fallen soldier broken worth

 

Here’s my soul for you to see, black and blue full of disease

Take me now where will I go, hurry before winter’s snow

Here’s the darkness now I see, coming down right after me

Hold my shield of faith and pray, may I see my Lord one day.

More about Me…

All my childhood I was very shy.  Well, I still am today.  I remember when I first got to high school that once I got my first car at 16 things would be different.  Maybe then people would like me and I would have the confidence to communicate with my peers and make friends.  At 16 I did get a car and I did get “friends,” but they were bought at a price, and most knew they could use me for rides and other things.  These people ended up not being the good types of people that I knew in my neighborhood growing up.  Hit like a hurricane I was surrounded by drugs and violence.  And I convinced myself that these were my friends, and I needed to be like them for them to accept me up until age 15 I had never even seen any type of drug other than alcohol.  I grew up with a foundation of good morals and I was against drugs and those who used them.  I was so lonely I felt I had to sacrifice my innocence just to get a taste of the forbidden fruit and to have a sense of belonging as fake as it was.  

I was tired of being bullied my whole life.  Why did everyone hate me? About 8-9 misdemeanors later by my early 20’s, I realized the bad investment I made for my life.  I have committed crimes against many people and society itself.  So many things I get flashbacks of the things I did in my drunkenness and the learned willingness to steal and lie to feed the disgusting “lifestyle.”I managed to graduate college with honors and managed to get away from all those past associates.  About 4 years later I still noticed I had that shy feeling that made me want to hide from all mankind.  For some reason I was terrified because socially I felt like a young teenager in a young adults body.  I had to keep mimicking social behavior.  I couldn’t allow people to know I was crazy and lock me up.  I knew people fear what they don’t understand so I tried to still fit in.  And sadly alcohol was the only thing that allowed me to be able to function at all in public.  My 20’s were a train wreck, no need to go into details.  I tried being sober but I couldn’t even go to church without having a few beers in me (and often having a cup of wine during the service).  I hated myself.  I still do.  I felt as though I had 2 choices: don’t go to church and face the social adversity, or desecrate God’s church by drinking to be able to go and put on a fake smile and shake hands and all other things that had no meaning to me and were awkward.  Why am I so terrified of people?  Why do they seem so distant and foreign?  It’s like everyone got the book and class on social behavior but me.  I must be on the wrong planet.

I knew I was manic depressive (bi-polar) by my late 20’s but it wasn’t until almost my 30th birthday that I found out I was on the autism spectrum.  30 years of misunderstood problems now realized.  I was and am still now horrified, saddened, shocked, and slightly relieved at least that now I know why I have always felt like a monster.  Now I know why I am this way.  But what to do now?  I can’t work, I don’t have any friends, I live alone, I can’t force myself to go to church, I probably will always be alone and never have a wife or kids, and for hours each day I have horrifying flashbacks of bad things I did in the past I did in desperation to hide what I did not understand.

But as I think about it, I’m a lot better off than so many people, and also worse off than many people.  So who even complain where God has placed me.  I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.  All I have to work with is broken dreams that have faded away in darkness and despair.  I can’t forgive myself.  I feel sad for my lonely and broken state, but I mourn for all the people I have hurt on my path of destruction.  How can I ever fix or repair the things I have done?  How can I ever lift my head up and have any confidence or pride? How can I even go to God and expect forgiveness after I have offended Him so many times when I knew better?

Do I blame it all on being bi-polar and being autistic?  Does that take any of the sting off of the horror?  I refuse to place my sins all on those disorders or traits.  I hurt people sometimes and don’t even realize it until later.  So what do I do?  I’ve hated myself so much in the past I have cut and burned my body to punish myself.  Why can’t I go back to that innocence and morality I had at age 15?

I sit in this apartment and slowly die, looking forward to 30 more years of mourning in horror and sorrow of all the pain I have caused to others, and the disgrace I have been as a child of God.

Matthew 13: 3-9 “And he told them many things in parables, saying: “A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them. Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they did not have much soil, and immediately they sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, but when the sun rose they were scorched. And since they had no root,they withered away. Other seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. Other seeds fell on good soil and produced grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. He who has ears, let him hear.””

Still a speck of hope.  Still a mustard seed of faith.  Here I am God, do with me as you please.  I’m alone waiting and trusting in You.  I have many sins I know Christ’s blood can cover.  I don’t deserve forgiveness.  I even feel like rejecting it in my shame.  The horror and despair I face now constantly being reminded of my past is so intense, I don’t know how much longer I can stand.

(It’s been a few months since I originally wrote all this.  I’m actually doing a lot better and am about to join a great church I’ve been visiting each Sunday!  Thank you all for your love, help, and support!)

Holding On – Reality Meets Entropy

I am no good for anyone.  I only cause pain for others, and only focus on my own.  It’s best for me to be alone permanently and only look from a distance and hope God blesses others and protects them from evil people like me.  I have no purpose, no plan, no options.  With my scientific mind I have a hard time with faith and the older I get the dimmer it gets, and the world that used to be amazing and filled with color and light is now faded to grey.  I don’t want to be here anymore.  I fear death and life equally which has stopped me from moving at all.  I am lukewarm and entropy is taking it’s toll on all of us.  All we can do is look at the young and see that sparkle and wonder that we used to have.  We know how things go but we don’t want to ruin it for them.  Let them be happy and joyful in their imagination with endless possibilities, giving us a short reminder of how we thought life would turn out to be.  Santa, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny; all fade quickly then there is nothing left but Christ and a world of despair.

Past childhood everyone goes into a downhill slide of misery.  Reality starts to tremble as we realize we have been tricked in our perception.  We hold onto objects and purpose for dear life to feel alive and to try and postpone the inevitable.  We all grow up thinking we will live forever.  Most elderly people still think something will happen to keep them going.  Because our minds are trained to wake up and go to sleep and after years of that we think it will never end.  It’s like training a dog.  Our perception is false and time and age slowly drop down the veil of the utter chaos, evil, and dread that the fall has created for us, and the realization of the deep evils inside of us that will never be gone until glorification.  We all chose sin and now we live in temporary hell.
I don’t want to spoil life for anyone.  But once the veil falls you can never get back up again  We can’t save ourselves in any way.  We must stop looking for answers and be silent, trusting no other human beings for deep revelation.  Only God’s domain is true reality.  All of this is hell with sprinkles on top and as we eat our way down we realize what we have bitten into, what we have entered into.  We all have been tricked.  We live in the first hell which is bound by time.  And Satan is the king of this world.  How can we have any happiness in this world if we understand how horrid it really is, how disgusting our minds and mouths are.  How can we pray with the same tongue that curses others in so many ways, most of which we don’t even realize.
Light just doesn’t spark back up once it’s put out.  We wait in silence for the Creator, we have failed and can only hope that His Kingdom will one day be our home.  That hope is all we will ever have for permanent purpose and understanding, joy and peace.  But right now we are for sure in a bad place and must understand this is not our home.  How can we enjoy anything that isn’t a blessing from God?  How can we be entertained by sports, violence, hobbies to take our minds off reality.  We wake up and know we must do anything to survive, hoard everything we can as backup if something goes wrong.  We are sliding down a wet rope and throughout life we have moments where we can hold on tight for a little while and pretend just like we did as children.
God have mercy on us all.

Resources for Adults and Parents of Children with Aspergers and Autism

Wrong Planet – Online community and resource for those with Asperger’s Syndrome. – A great forum
Facebook Groups: 
Aspergers Syndrome New Zealand (Great group of people here, doesn’t matter where you come from you are welcome!) –
(Sorry for the poor editing, it was a mess transferring all of this from Blogger)

Laugh at my pain!

No sorry, this isn’t Kevin Hart (please don’t sue me!…actually go ahead, I’m on disability so you would technically be suing yourself!).  Plus over 1.1 million people already laughed at his pain including myself so hopefully I can entertain a few people through mine.  I figure out of a few hundred jokes I tell about my sad and strange life experiences a few decent gems appear and since I’m broke what better place to try and gather those gems on WordPress!  There’s no alcohol served on the internet so I’m already at a disadvantage.  Plus I’m a Christian so I try my best to leave the obscene stuff out.  Ha, a Christian comedian!   At least I won’t have any competition.  Plus I have a wonderful “mom filter” to help me stay within boundaries.

So myself, am not very interesting but I do seem to find humor in this train wreck we call “society” and the game of life.  Stay tuned and check out my jokes during Comedy Central commercials.

klonopin