Just from an email I sent. This is amazing, I can’t explain it. God’s Word is living. And I GET IT WHY IT’S LABORIOUS AND BORING TO MOST CHRISTIANS FINALLY!!! –
I have no words to express how much God has done in my life the past few months, and especially in the past few weeks. Through my mom sending me a Francis Chan video weeks ago, I listened to multiple sermons by him and God gifted me with such a higher level of faith that I’ve ever had before. Before I always either didn’t tithe, or I would give God the leftovers. Instead of asking how much do I have to give, now I’m asking how much do I GET to give!! And that turned the tables and now I have the perspective of having more money than I need. The idea of spending every cent on silver now is foolishness to me. I have less money wise, but I’m 1000 times happier if not more.
God is putting me in tough situations which I do ask Him for. Today I met with a wonderful group of brothers and sisters in Christ and God prepared me the night before with a great video about true belief by Sproul Jr (life changing), and the audio book “How to win friends and influence people” (just the first part about focusing on others instead of myself) and I used those principles and people seemed to like me. That might not sound like a big deal but to someone who has Aspergers and has huge ice walls built up against meeting new people and going into unknown social situations, God gave me the confidence to go in and meet these people and I felt actual friend connections with two of the guys there! I prayed a desperate prayer about 6 weeks ago to God that He would give me Christian friends because I haven’t been able to stay in the Christian walk alone. And how He has provided and overflowed my cup!
Today was VERY draining mentally to the point of a very bad panic attack afterwards (it was hard feeling different since everyone else had normal jobs, wives, and kids; so when people asked me “what do you do for a living” I felt awkward and my mind wanted to escape). So I panicked for hours after that and was about to be upset with God but then I played worship music and told God I trusted in His promises and that He was faithful and I slept for a few hours and woke up feeling just fine.
So this was such a huge hurdle and my social skills were strengthened and walls knocked down. I believe I have two more friends in Christ along with others in the group I’m not comfortable around. I look forward to the next time we all meet and meeting new people now. I wish I could put into words what all this means to me but there is no way. So many details worked out so perfectly by design I saw God working in all of it. And I was blessed to be able to suffer for God, trusting in Him that things are going to work out and to keep trusting in Him. My faith has exploded. I am so appreciative of these new friends/brothers/sisters in Christ and of course especially my Father in Heaven who loves me and see’s me as a son and is making me more like Christ every day.
To God be all glory. I can’t wait to see Him working tomorrow!
(Also, when in that panic attack, my mind was craving alcohol and other crutches I’ve used so often in the past to get me through these things to escape the pain. This time (thank God for antabuse) I had nothing but a few cigars and caffine and they didn’t help at all. And I realized that this was a turning point in my understanding. Those things weren’t the true medicine I needed, God showed me that His love casts out all fears, He won’t put me through anything I won’t be able to handle or get through, and that abiding in Him is infinitely better than leaning on things like alcohol. I now know I don’t have to run from situations but I can embrace them in Him, even the toughest of ones.)
It’s been an amazing journey getting to know You. I know that you knew me before I was even born. In all my sin and rebellion against You that I would pursue for years in Your all knowing power, love, and grace You still for some reason I won’t ever fully understand on this earth, decided to still allow me to be born into this world.
At first you gave me that mustard seed of faith, and it kept me going. You knew how much I could handle, and never put any obstacle in my path that I wouldn’t be able to cross in Your grace. Little by little you revealed to me more about Your character and how powerful and almighty You are. For years I feared Your judgement, knowing I deserved every bit of it.
Then you introduced me to Your Son, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, the King of the Old Testament that all prophesy and so much more pointed to in faith and hope for redemption and forgiveness. Oh Lord how I have all rebelled against you. I knew not to eat of the fruits of disobedience and did anyway in hopes of making myself greater, just as Lucifer and the other fallen angels did. In my sin I tried desperately to blame it on others and not take responsibility. Though I was tempted, I pointed my faith away from you. No amount of pages can I possibly write down all I have done against You. It’s hard to look back at the sin, but I know I must at times to appreciate the love and grace that You have poured upon my very being and soul.
Even when lacking so much faith and having very bad sin addictions and habits, You still taught me. You led me to an amazing church where I met some amazing people in the youth group that I still talk to and love with all my heart to this day. Thank you so much for those people I’m thinking of right now, please bless them just as you have me, and the new brothers and sisters in Christ I am meeting and loving now.
You gave me a passion for reading and learning the history of the world, religions (false ones!), science, mathematics, physics, and the beauty and order of this world. You gave me solid faith that there was a Creator from my studies. I could see the markings and fingerprints of an Almighty Master Architect/Designer. I see You in nature; the tree’s, the animals I’ve loved, the patterns of storms to the design of a seashell. You put thorns in my flesh to keep me separated from the world in many ways, especially socially. You worked so much sin to good in the end all to give You the glory You deserve. How beautiful is Your masterpiece! And how much sorrow that I trampled upon it and burned it to the ground.
I pleaded like Paul for years for You to take these thorns out of my flesh. The social issues, the anxiety and depression, the hopelessness, the hours and days I spent alone with my mind going in hellish circles of despair. Yet through it all You had a plan. You didn’t enjoy watching me suffer. You knew in the end the joy would overshadow all of it. I still go through trials and temptations Lord but I know that they will make me stronger in my faith and courage to profess the Gospel. Oh how sweet is Your gift to the world! The infinite love and generosity you have given me in spite of spitting upon Your master creation! I’m so sorry I did that Lord! You know in my heart I really am sorry I didn’t trust you! You showed me my sin and I cut myself over and over hating my flesh. I wanted to die. I couldn’t live with myself. I had to escape. So again I didn’t trust you and I went to worldly things like alcohol to escape the horror of knowing what I did to You after You have done so much for me! You are Holy Lord, how can I even be in Your sight!! I shake and tears come to my eyes as I write this Lord. How much easier it would have been if I had only surrender to you earlier. But again, in my sin you watched over me, the Great Shepherd protecting a sheep with broken legs that most would toss aside.
Through all that I was bruised but not broken. With amazing grace you put me back together and restored my body, soul, and spirit. You gave me the faith and wisdom to stand up! Here I stand! Oh how I wish to proclaim to the entire world what love and grace You have poured upon me; my cup overflows with more than I could ever dream of. You gave me a spirit of repentance and wisdom so that my mind began to be renewed and I saw things from a higher point of view on that mountain. And how I will storm that mountain in Your Holy Name!!! Satan is under my feet as YOU have given me the power and authority to defeat his attacks against me and my brothers. The great battle that’s been going on for thousands of years; I’m now in the middle of and to most it seems humorous for a poor sheep like I am to be fighting against the mightiest of foe’s who hate You and all of Your creation. Here I stand with a steady hand against the terror upon me.
I look back in Your Word and see people like David, trusting in You with no doubt, standing against the mightiest of men and conquering. So will I with Your strength, ride on Your wings of power and might, smashing evil under Your feet. Who can be against on who is under the King of Kings!!! The war isn’t over but it does seem to be coming to a close. Your original masterpiece that was torn, is now even more beautiful than before. Your love, grace, power, might, and so much more are shown in You sending Your only Son to die for me!! I am a creation of you that turned against You. It’s the greatest mystery why You would send Your Son Jesus Christ, Your most prized Love that now sits on the right side of You, to be humbled and even enter this torn creation, and to suffer! Jesus You suffered so much for me, a broken and rebellious sheep that would continue to sin even after saving me from eternal damnation! How Amazing is my God!!!
The precious blood of the Son of God, nailed up and mocked by me and my brothers in sin. How did it come to this. I look back to the beginning in the garden. I had everything God. You gave me everything and only asked me not to do one thing. I am so ashamed now just like I was when I covered myself with leaves after what I did against you. Now Jesus who is perfect with no sin, is nailed on a wooden cross. This is so horrendous and it’s my fault Lord. Please let me take His place! I let this happen, it’s my fault!! I see there is nothing I can do. But again, you worked the sin of man and the death of Christ to a greater good that will point to Your glory for all eternity.
How mysterious are Your ways Lord, forgive me for trying to understand You. No amount of time or study could ever give me a true glimpse in Your holiness and wisdom. Forgive me for all of the years of pride thinking I could figure out You and Your creation and even manipulate it towards my good. I stored up things of this world that I now know will fade away and aren’t eternal, throwing away the true gems from You that are eternal. There isn’t enough room in Your entire creation to write of all of Your wonders. Forgive me for attempting that Lord, but my soul cries out with so many emotions as I look at what has, is, and will happen in this great story You have written. How foolish I am to write inside of the Great Writer’s story! Humble me Lord, my pride keeps biting at me. Give me the grace to focus on You and to give you glory in all that I do!
I pause in this moment as I write. I sense your peace and joy. All of the pain had to happen to contrast your love and grace. You are so Holy that You put Yourself inside of Your fallen creation just to save it! What author in this world would die to save the characters in it’s story!! I can’t understand it Lord! Why did you save me? I’m not even a grain of sand in this creation. You gave me a soul. You came down and saved me and gave me a family of other fallen creations to stand in awe of what You have done for us. Let the entire creation praise you with all the energy we have that You have given us!!! Thy will be done!! HOLY, HOLY, HOLY, is the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY, WHO WAS, AND IS, AND IS TO COME!!!!!!
I love you Lord. And I can only say that because you gave me the gift to do so. I just wanted to write this to You, my love letter to you. Never let me forget. Never let me stray away from Your path. For Your glory please continue to stand by me and allow me to work for you in this story 🙂 I turn my eyes away from everything I used to desire Lord. Take it all away. If there is no wife for me that means I get more of You while I’m here. I’ll leave that one up to You! Either way I’m happy and overly content with joy knowing You love me, and that I love you. Nothing can separate us. The devil’s snares would have snatched me; the prowling lion waiting to pounce on me has been crushed. And it’s all because you love me. This story isn’t about how much I love you as I intended, but it’s all about how much You love me. And I can not understand it, but I accept it and give all of myself to you Lord. Every task you give me I treasure in delight. How silly were those “rewards” I sought after to try and please men!! How foolish I was Lord. How I could sing of Your love for all eternity. Let me do Your work while this story is still going. Until the very end I now commit myself to You fully. I serve only One Master and He is the Creator of ALL!!! I’m an adopted son of the King of Kings!!!
Now I put my armor on You have provided me, and now I stand up for you and storm the mount!! How great You are Lord! This great battle I step into is so ferocious, but I already know the outcome! Thank you for creating me and blessing me even after what I did against you! Unite me with my brothers and sisters in Christ as we fight to the death for You in this temporal existence, knowing our treasure and King awaits us in Heaven. Give us the power and might to fight for holy treasure to lay upon the feet of Jesus as we enter into eternity! Open up the eyes of my heart Lord! May the name of Christ be lifted up as we sing HOLY, HOLY, HOLY!!! Give us the child-like trust and faith in THE LOVING FATHER of ALL CREATION!!! Let us sing along with the millions of angels now praising Your HOLY NAME!!! Am I crazy? Maybe… But I’m crazy in LOVE!!!
Deep breath….here we go Jesus, I’m following Your lead!!!
(ps: and special thanks to my family and friends who have stood by me through all of this and continue to bless me with their love and support! I pray that you all receive all of the blessings God has bestowed upon me and even more!!!)