So many of the greatest comedians grew up in tough situations. Many were bullied, didn’t have supportive parents, didn’t have friends or other relationships. I’m no comedian, but I do feel like I understand the feeling of comedy being the only outlet to escape the overwhelming pain and sadness life seems to constantly dish out on many of us. And over time you almost develop a bi-polar/dual personality where around other people you joke around and make everything seem ok, but it’s really just covering up what’s really going on inside. I know I go through many stages of denial, then eventually things just get overwhelming and I feel kind of like I do right now.
I am grateful for being at the point in my life I can laugh a little about things. But man some deep things are really getting to me. I got over the attention-seeking suicidal talk years ago, and even the daily binge drinking to try and escape everything. I’m tired. I’m 30 with no substantial relationships. I have a few acquaintances and family members to casually talk to. But really right now this computer is my best friend, and we don’t even like each other that much.
The whole Aspergers thing is such a heavy burden. It’s like I look at myself from outside and see all this potential and I should have a family by now, a decent job (not figuring in the economy, but you get the point). It’s so hard to even know how to be friendly to people and when I do I never “click” with people. Everyone else herds together in social groups but the problem is there is no social group in my category.
I’m only 30, can I really go on like this another 30 years? 60 years? Ha, I’m having trouble just getting through tonight, and the whole “one day at a time” stuff just doesn’t work for me. Trying to figure out all my problems I have trained myself to be such a selfish person. I try to trust that God will work things out, but my faith is so weak most of the time. I get the diagnosis for Aspergers and I think everything will be fixed and it only get’s more complicated. I go back to my old church and become a member and expect to make all these new friends and that doesn’t work out either. So many things are held right in front of me that I can’t grasp and I can’t help but envy things, then I hate myself for envying. Shouldn’t I just be happy for others? Shouldn’t I look past my own troubles and realize daily that this life is so short and I have eternal life in Heaven with Christ who died for my sins and spared me from eternal separation from Him? Why can’t I keep that realization? Why can’t I force myself? Why doesn’t God force me?
Blah, listening to depressing 90’s alternative rock isn’t helping. There’s my boo hoo feel bad for me rant for the month. I’m going to go punch something and feel sorry for myself for a bit.
Don’t be selfish like me and envy what other’s have. Be grateful for what you have and seek the glory of Jesus Christ in all that you do.