Research Chemicals; the Adventures of a Psychonaut

There are many things in life we seem to want to keep secret because of shame (or possible fine lines of legality!).  But there is also a time when you start to get past the action of those events and talking about them can be helpful and sometimes make for some good stories.  I’ve began to talk more about my experiences with chemicals with others and for some reason the shame has began to go away and I am left with a lot of interesting stories.  It’s very hard not to think about these things often as they had such an impact on my life and how I view the Universe and my own existence.  I know I’m walking a grey line here, as I was in all my “testing” and “research,” but I’m at the point I really don’t care what people think about me as I believe God has already justified me so as long as He see’s me that way I’m good; plus I don’t think I’ll ever be running for Congress!

Growing up I was different socially.  Three years ago I learned this was from having Aspergers.  So I lived for 30 years in a social environment without knowing the social language.  I had many embarrassing attempts to conform, but ended up at square one every time.  To escape emotional pain and ease social anxieties, I first experimented with alcohol and cannabis.  They both did such a great job, as opposed to everything I had been told; I just didn’t account for the “yang” of their “yin” until I was so deeply ingrained in both I had no way out.  So having only these to work with I ended up having embarrassing police charges (very hard to get a job after you break your neighbors sliding glass door in your underwear in a drunken rage on graduation night from University ;P ).  The DWI’s are the things I’m most shameful of because I did put people at risk, just as I have texting and driving which I’m forcing myself not to do because I know how the pride of control comes before disaster in so many lives.

Ok so that sets up the scene for other chemical avenue’s.  I won’t use the term “drug” as it’s been painted with a brush too wide from our socially acceptable pharmacies to ones like crack cocaine and meth.  But there are countless other synthetic chemicals that have been invented, and are currently being invented in labs all around the World as I write this; these are “research chemicals.”  Most of the community only see’s the top layer of the onion; a news story when something goes wrong.  Like an instance where a teen gets some “bath salts” (a horrible name for people like I was; these chemicals in our small community were the ones we hated, that gave a bad name to the beneficial ones).  And they were very addictive and had the ability to cause psychosis and death.  And it is this fear from few cases I believe that closes the door on many amazing chemicals that I have personally experienced to be much better than what the US Pharmaceutical industry has been offering us the past 50+ years.  News stories pounce on isolated cases to continue the fear that keeps these huge organizations running, that if they stopped running; millions of jobs would be lost and the economy crippled.  So to keep things going smoothly, we must suffer in fear and lose out on the benefits modern scientific research and the best medicines of Nature has to offer.

This is just a small blog and I’m writing this off the cuff just to get it “on paper” so I won’t go into each chemical; I’m a bit hesitant to do so.  There are HUGE risks in experimenting with unregulated chemicals.  While you can do your homework with labs, other’s experiences, and some decent scales; you can have a sense of safety just enough to dive in; but going this route on your own can be disastrous.  I know people doing 20 years in prison for importing large amounts of certain chemicals while the chemicals weren’t even illegal, but Homeland Security wanted to make an example of them with the “Analogue Law”.

I never sold any of these things as first off I’ve never been a good salesman, and second I couldn’t bring myself to distributing any of these chemicals knowing there were people not using precautions before using them and experimenting with their friends; this is how people die, and have died.  Measure a dose without doing an “allergy test”, you end up dead.  A vendor writing the wrong chemical name on a package and you don’t check it; you die.  This is why there have been great communities that do “harm reduction” that haven’t been attacked as much as the underground networks that vend the chemicals.  But still, I wouldn’t even write about those sites because I would NEVER recommend anyone experimenting with anything I ever have except a minute few under medical supervision which isn’t available right now.  Your best bet is to just hope your state legalizes cannabis if it already hasn’t and be content with that!

It’s tough to talk about for various reasons.  One, no one understands unless they have been there, two – I’ve seen things I can’t explain and is frustrating to try and will only sound crazy, and three – I really miss the adventure of taking a ride with new substance after substance; going through new door after door of the mind into uncharted Spiritual zones.  Also I’m not sure how much fuel my brain has left to go on these as some can be very rugged and unwanted.

That’s about all I want to talk about right now.  I’m on the tail end of this thing and not sure where it’s all going to fully stop or if it already has (I don’t take any legal chances as I did, walking on the “grey line” but once you gain knowledge in these area’s there are always legal ways to “travel”!).  So it’s sad to talk about it as if it’s all over.  I have personally tested over 100 chemicals, natural and synthetic.  Excuse my pride but I was the first human even to try a few of them straight out of the lab from sheets of paper like an idiot, skipping the rats and getting right to it!

I’ve seen reality in ways most will never see it and I imagine there will always be a desire to go back to “that place” where things make a lot more sense than they do down here.  And I’m not sure why God saw it fit to put me on the path I’ve been on and what I’m supposed to do with it.  But the shame of doing things society deemed “wrong” to try and fix logical problems has left me.  And now I have a lot of cool stories.  Hopefully God will bless me with people to tell them too one day :)

There are tremendous medical benefits to so many of these chemicals but I realize I’m in no position to fund or promote higher research of them.  I can only know my way around it all pretty well, and know which ones do have potential and which ones mainly only do lead to addiction.  There are blurred lines all over the place and you must learn to know yourself very well and be willing to have your ego demolished!  I do hope as society sees that cannabis isn’t something to be afraid of many other chemicals will get their chance to help mankind.

And where is the line drawn with Biblical “sorcery”?  I’m still working on that.  I don’t think it’s so much about the chemicals, but how you use them.  There is very real evil and I have seen it more so on certain chemicals than others, and MUCH more research needs to be done in a professional setting.  I can think of times I abused a chemical and had bad results, and other times really attempting to solve a problem for good and it working out.  The possibilities are so exciting and I can’t wait for society to start to accept this field.

That’s all for now :P

(for a much more interesting read, check out this – http://www.vice.com/read/interview-with-ketamine-chemist-704-v18n2

And a great little video on the man who synthesized many of these chemicals, Alexandar Shulgin – 

God is Real and He Loves Me; Nothing on Earth or Sky Could Make This Any Better

God has been taking me for a ride and cleaning up a lot of area’s where I have lack of trust in Him (sin).  It’s funny years ago I would actually read and watch debates on Apologetics to boost my faith.  Haha, that’s silly now.  I mean He’s right beside me RIGHT NOW.

Something else that changed; instead of talking about God in the 3rd person, now I’m including Him personally in my thoughts and conversations.

It’s amazing how real this is!!!  It gets better and better and better.  And I know there will be suffering, but He’s preparing me for everything according to His awesome perfect majestic plan!

THE GLORY OF HIS GRACE IN THE GOSPEL TO SEND HIS SON TO DIE FOR ME SO I CAN KNOW HIM.

(Seriously, it’s all real.  God is communicating with me DRAMATICALLY intimate.  I tried to prove God’s existence for years and now He entered my life so personally.  I mean helping me when I shop for groceries, looking at things online…..He’s right there with me….)

Oh, and the “therefore’s”…..priceless gems…

How Bad do you Want Jesus? Where are Your Passions?

Is this similar to your passion for Him?  Do you want Jesus this bad?

Have you been knocking and seeking with all your might and strength in desperation?Have you been reading His Word and crying in prayer desperate for His Love?  Do you wake up asking God this; “how can I be more like You today Jesus!!?”

There is hope.  The path is narrow, but there is hope.  Faith is an amazing gift of love and we should respond in continuing repentance and growing in love towards Christ and others (none of us has all of the good fruits perfectly and repentance goes at different rates for different people; but we should be growing at some rate!)

The church has been polluted by preaching according to what people want to hear. The path is narrow and there are sadly many people feeling secure who aren’t really on solid ground.

Always be willing to examine yourself for fruits.  Galatians gives us a great model:

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.  For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

2 Corinthians 13:5

“Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!”

How bad do you want Jesus Christ?  How desperate are you for Him?  What have you given up in your life for Him lately?

Operation SAVE OUR CHILDREN!!!

Facebook Page: Operation Save Our Children

James 1:27 -“ Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.”

First of all, I am in LOVE with Jesus Christ.  He is all I live for; and what I have been praying for is a burden for the lost and suffering, and He has answered my prayers.

I joke a lot, and I have written stories from my past in humor before I was a Christian and my struggles (many I still struggle with).  But just look at whats going on in the World.  Children are being forced to do horrible things.  Women are being tricked into job opportunities just to be forced into prostitution slavery (which about 10% of their business is from Americans, that figure is in Thailand I believe).  And I know in Peru “street boys” do horrible sex acts daily for bowls of soup.

I am so ashamed at myself for complaining about my tiny “problems” sitting in an air conditioned house with 3 square meals, internet access, and cable tv.  Yea I might not have many friends, but just LOOK AT THE CHILDREN WHO ARE BEING FORCED INTO SEX-TRAFFICKING!!!

I’m losing it right now.  All of my thoughts and emotions are on the Facebook page I made yesterday.  Please look it over and pray about donating even $5 paypal to help.  Most of us can think back and regret purchases like a pair of pants or other things, but I promise you that you will NEVER regret giving to causes like this.

You have the power to buy these children out of this.  With $20 you can feed a family.  With $35 you can feed a family and provide medical care and education.  And once these people are saved, you can help them be provided with the most important thing – THE GOSPEL of JESUS CHRIST!!  They have no hope right now.  We have the power to save them and give them hope and a life.

I BEG YOU.  I BEG YOU.  They don’t have a voice.  We have to do something.

Check out the CAFO (Christian Alliance For Orphans)

My First YouTube Video (A Christian with Aspergers)

I switched the video to a new channel “The Christian Aspie” to talk about life with Aspergers following Jesus Christ….and yes, it’s very difficult, but amazing at the same time.

Just look at how I started to change once I REALLY began to understand the Gospel!

The Christian Aspie

9/29/14 – God’s Living Word (Never Forget This)

Just from an email I sent.  This is amazing, I can’t explain it.  God’s Word is living.  And I GET IT WHY IT’S LABORIOUS AND BORING TO MOST CHRISTIANS FINALLY!!! -

“Every chapter (but the genealogies, even though some are interesting) is the most amazing and interesting thing I’ve ever read.  So much better than the best movies I’ve ever watched (and I am/was a HUGE movie fanatic and am at the level I could be working for IMDB.  With Aspergers movies become your life, the characters become your friends).  But this is amazing because it’s true and God is still speaking it live right now.

Lol and Christians find it boring and a hard task to do, almost like labor.  And I’m the worst of them all!  It’s only by a gift that God gives you the passion to see how amazing it is.  Genesis 10 or 11 is better than any movie ever made.  And I can understand the chapters in 15 minutes.
Idk, but even if I’m crazy, I wouldn’t want to be sane to lose what I have now.  I’ve had 1000 kilo’s of gold right at my doorstep covered up by an millimeter of dust the whole time.  And I’m only through 1% of this thing.  99% is still left to read through.  Now instead of wanting to finish I don’t want it to ever end.”
GOD IS NOT DEAD, HE AND HIS WORD ARE ALIVE!!!

Journal – September 28th, 2014 – New Friends and God’s Medicine

I have no words to express how much God has done in my life the past few months, and especially in the past few weeks.  Through my mom sending me a Francis Chan video weeks ago, I listened to multiple sermons by him and God gifted me with such a higher level of faith that I’ve ever had before.  Before I always either didn’t tithe, or I would give God the leftovers.  Instead of asking how much do I have to give, now I’m asking how much do I GET to give!!  And that turned the tables and now I have the perspective of having more money than I need.  The idea of spending every cent on silver now is foolishness to me.  I have less money wise, but I’m 1000 times happier if not more.

God is putting me in tough situations which I do ask Him for.  Today I met with a wonderful group of brothers and sisters in Christ and God prepared me the night before with a great video about true belief by Sproul Jr (life changing), and the audio book “How to win friends and influence people” (just the first part about focusing on others instead of myself) and I used those principles and people seemed to like me.  That might not sound like a big deal but to someone who has Aspergers and has huge ice walls built up against meeting new people and going into unknown social situations, God gave me the confidence to go in and meet these people and I felt actual friend connections with two of the guys there!  I prayed a desperate prayer about 6 weeks ago to God that He would give me Christian friends because I haven’t been able to stay in the Christian walk alone.  And how He has provided and overflowed my cup!

Today was VERY draining mentally to the point of a very bad panic attack afterwards (it was hard feeling different since everyone else had normal jobs, wives, and kids; so when people asked me “what do you do for a living” I felt awkward and my mind wanted to escape).  So I panicked for hours after that and was about to be upset with God but then I played worship music and told God I trusted in His promises and that He was faithful and I slept for a few hours and woke up feeling just fine.

So this was such a huge hurdle and my social skills were strengthened and walls knocked down.  I believe I have two more friends in Christ along with others in the group I’m not comfortable around.  I look forward to the next time we all meet and meeting new people now.  I wish I could put into words what all this means to me but there is no way.  So many details worked out so perfectly by design I saw God working in all of it.  And I was blessed to be able to suffer for God, trusting in Him that things are going to work out and to keep trusting in Him.  My faith has exploded.  I am so appreciative of these new friends/brothers/sisters in Christ and of course especially my Father in Heaven who loves me and see’s me as a son and is making me more like Christ every day.

To God be all glory.  I can’t wait to see Him working tomorrow!

(Also, when in that panic attack, my mind was craving alcohol and other crutches I’ve used so often in the past to get me through these things to escape the pain.  This time (thank God for antabuse) I had nothing but a few cigars and caffine and they didn’t help at all.  And I realized that this was a turning point in my understanding.  Those things weren’t the true medicine I needed, God showed me that His love casts out all fears, He won’t put me through anything I won’t be able to handle or get through, and that abiding in Him is infinitely better than leaning on things like alcohol.  I now know I don’t have to run from situations but I can embrace them in Him, even the toughest of ones.)